Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Of muses n musings

Daydreaming has its own advantages: it lets u off ur realities and places u in a world where u are the monarch of all that is surveyed. This might be a dandy pastime for distasteful lectures or other similar circumstances but if done in surrealistic conditions or for times protracted, this presents u with the most grievous redoubt to confront: u urself !!

Sometimes, a reverie is so self-imposed that awakening seems to be injurious, not for the injury it may incur, but because we are so engrossed in it that we refuse to accept our existence without this being a part of us or we being a part of it, whichever may suffice.

The pensiveness in words would say u that I am not as genial as I used to be. True, and by all odds I would emphatically declare that I don’t deserve to be. Anyway, what’s the point in carrying a jovial face when the fact is that ur heart lingers or even at times gets squeezed up to relish the tiniest fraction of the same joviality. Isn’t it hypocritical to revel in the joy of something likely to happen, when deep inside u know for sure, that the very foundations are too wispy for even the smallest of perturbations. Moments of stupidity or moments of abject failure are not what I regret most in my life but moments where I lacked courage to face or moments when I acted with indecision.

I came back early today, anyway my supervisor is out of town and in his absence the whole place is too reclining to allow any serious work. I have been numb for somedays, it’s a bit hot n humid here with disjointed spells of rain and was staring outside my window when I saw something. A flower from a well-blossomed tree fell down. It was complete calm outside .The surroundings lacked any agitation from wind or other sources. Neither did a bird perch nor one departed. To make my wonder even more intense, the flowers of this tree grew upwards with a strong trunk. Still, the flower “parted” !! The spontaneity struck me and I read (hopefully) what was written so vividly on this event. May be it’s time! May be it’s time to say goodbye! May be it’s time to tread alone! May be it’s time to awaken!

Years of inertial endeavour underlying infantile thoughts and puerile dreams are not that easy to be replaced with one stroke of a stark realization. Truth being told, no amount of wisdom can pacify the conflict that hovers inside u, let alone guide a resolve to ease u off it. Minutes, hours n days pass without having an effect on this “so called agile” emotions. It may take a long time ,might even be this lifetime to sustain this “avulsion”. But, I would begin- not because I possess the requisite courage or am so iron-willed but because I don’t have a choice!

It’s well past midnight and I am woken up by the raindrops hitting the windowpanes. I see the same tree. It’s leaves and flowers washed up and glistened in dim-lit streetlights. Something inside me wanted to go out and as it has been a long time since I did anything to please it, I followed the desire. I looked up from where the flower fell. A raindrop hiding in the leaves came down and filled my right eye. I shivered; for once, I couldn’t discriminate between my tears and the rain.